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Pit of the Fruit

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Monday, August 18th, 2003
1:01 am - hold onto your perspectives, girl.
I can't apologize for not being what you were looking for.

I can't apologize enough for not being what you were looking for.

current mood: dancing in the rain,

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Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
11:29 pm
a kind of resurrection, although slight.


I can't make the words come out anymore. It's all lies and babble. I'm turning leaves and pages, but it's a slow process. But I will coax them out, yes I will convince them to wiggle out from between dry skin and false promises. New homes, new years, new faces. There's inspiration out there somewhere - that much is true.

current mood: oh darling, whisper in my ear

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Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
8:35 pm - Looking for some action.
alright, listen up


next THURSDAY, the 25th's
during lunch//advo in 320

is the next round of auditions/rehearsals for the

TOLERANCE ASSEMBLY


we really need some help guys,
basically, if you have an opinion about any issue concerning tolerance in our school (( sexism, sexual minorities, bigotry, racism, religious tolerance, prejudices )) show up. we can help you with ideas, people to work with. Or show up with something started and we'll help you along. We need to represent all art forms, concerns, and grade levels. So, middle schoolers - dancers - theater kids- visual artists - musicians

we're looking for you.
come see us, next Thurs.!!

current mood: determined

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Tuesday, April 9th, 2002
11:16 pm - I just want to crawl under your skin, and rest.
a week of buildup. of all the things I want to tell you but don't know how. I want to describe to you all the houses I've ever lived in. Or how I've never felt freer than floating aimlessly between the waves of a warm Pacific Ocean. How much of a rush I get out of being picked up and thrown by an element of nature so much more powerful than myself? That diving under the surface of a breaking wave, sinking between the weightlessness.. makes me feel better about myself than any other thing I've known? That away from you, away from everyone makes me realize how much of you is all tucked into me. And uncovering everything you don't know about me, it makes me wonder how much I don't know about you. Do you know how good it feels to me to curl my toes in warm bleached sand? To hear the echos of a language I long lost touch with? Do you know how much I love you? How much you crawl into my thoughts when they're not focused elsewhere? I hate being tongue-tied around you.. because honestly.. you're the only one I don't lose faith in.

current mood: lonely

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1:42 am
home!

current mood: Mmm, that's one of those good

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Thursday, April 4th, 2002
1:51 pm - burnt flesh, Mmm.
oh, to bask in a sweet Mexican sun.

Apparently there´s an internet-room thing here, so wasting my parent´s pesos I decided to hop online for awhile.

3 more days.

You´d think it´d be easier to find Virgin Mary items, but no. The search goes on. The market here is also a replicant of the one in Rio Piedras. It was weird absorbing the sights and sounds of something that was so every-day for me when I was 9. and there´s a distinct lack of cowboys around here. and thongs for that matter.

I really have turned into a gringa. So sad, it makes me uncomfortable. But, what can you do?

The beds here are really damned hard. Like sleeping on sheet-rock. I´ve had really (scary)dreams-nightmares. And it´s really hard to find keys on the spanish keyboard.


I miss you guys so much. This homesick thing.. really brings down my vacation time. Hm. Well, love to all. I´ll be home soon.

current mood: bright red, and missing..

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Sunday, March 31st, 2002
11:14 pm - these are the things I'll remember most
I'll be gone in 5 hours.
for 7 days to waste away under a Mexican sun.
maybe I'll stumble across some life-shifting, mind blowing realization away from it all..
but I'm guessing not.

I spent tonight with my boys. It was... interesting? A lot of tension. sexual and otherwise. But, that's not uncommon.

it's that 8th grade syndrome all over again.
everything revolves around a maybe.


hm.. well.. yeah. I think I'm gonna go take a shower now so I won't have to at 4 am.

oh, and if anyone wants to love me enough to meet me at the airport when I come home,
we come back monday @ 10:09 pm flight 425 from LA on Alaska Airlines.
I'm not expecting anyone, seen as it'll be 10 pm on a school night.

goodnight sweets, have a good spring break.

current mood: tugged and pulled

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Saturday, March 30th, 2002
10:32 pm - getting it out is the only way to heal
so, I've been doing too much thinking for my own good,
and I've realized the reasons behind this diluted sadness.

I can't articulate it without it sounding unbelievably petty.

But, believing too hard in something un-tangible leaves me in the dust. When the hope whittles away, it leaves me with only me. And forced to look at myself, unmasked. Un-ridiculed. I don't know, the truth burns. I don't need you blowing it in my face.



in less than 35 hours I'll be gone for a week.
I know that missing you leaves me with wanting more.
That missing you kills the things off in me that hold me to reality.
and I go on striving for the shores beyond the sea of dreams.
but sadly, I always lose the fight.

current mood: wishing too hard

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Thursday, March 28th, 2002
8:48 pm - here I am, a hard-boiled woman.

i fit
quite
nicely
in my
gender role.



I wish I knew how to sort out my ideals.

current mood: hard core

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6:48 pm - you make me real.
Mm, petting pretty boys.

tomorrow be my sissy's b-day

and den spring break.. hoo-hah goodness.

I want my Dad to come home,
so I can take the car and head off to value village wit da Ape.

but until then, I think Im gonna go practice Annie-Dog,
cause I taught myself the first 5 lines, and that makes me one proud girl.

current mood: crashing into what wasn't

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Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
11:00 pm - I feel the shift in direction, but I don't want to turn my head
it's good to vent to Emma.

it seems a lot of things are in the static right now..
you know, that fuzzy in-between feeling?
where everything is about to change flavors
and everyone's kinda standing on edge?


maybe it's just me.


maybe it's just you and me.


the cool welding lady e-mailed me back and offered to take my art class on a field trip to Clark and talk about metal sculpture. I'll have to talk to McKinney about it, but it sounds cool. and I'm excited for our new visual art project. The only thing I'm unsure of is whether or not I can pull off drawing teeth. Or rather, painting teeth realistically.

eh.. trial and error.


A Hapy (51 minutes early) Birfday to Thorsy, you studmuffin seventeen year old, you!

current mood: better

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Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
10:43 pm
yay! the directory is back up!
ha. it probably has been for awhile and I just haven't noticed.
god damn, though..
there's over 1,000 vanouver kids on lj.
shiiiiittt.
funny stuff.
proves how much we have going on around here.

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8:02 pm - a seemingly simple symphony of epiphany
maybe it's just a big reassurance thing. Ooo, there goes that person growth thing again. Leap! Bound!

so today's adventures have led to the following conclusions:

* next year I'm going to do Running Start night classes, and take a welding class so I, too, can make rad 7 ft. tall art to decorate my front yard with

* next year I might be the editor of Lit Mag, which would be very rad

* I'm psyched for April and I's junior project, and Lagsdin is going to bring in obscure magazines for me to look at

* 40's girls are without a doubt the most beautiful and delicate creatures on earth. and the fashion is rockin.

* I find myself related more and more to Fiona Apple lyrics

* Teachers become excellent mentors around 5:30 pm. and opening up to one leaves you feeling a lot more positive about yourself and your future. Not to mention your hair color.

current mood: secure.

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Sunday, March 24th, 2002
10:13 pm - what a cunning way to pull me in.
it's calm under the waves
in the bluuuuue of my oblivion.

so much work left to do for core..
I'm not sure where to start.
I finished transcribing though
I think I'm onto the mission statement/ treatment now.
and then?
artist statement
voice paper
and bibliography.

okay, it's not that bad.
I should be done by midnight.

oh, and I dyed my hair black. I've always wanted to. I'm deciding whether I really like it or not.
I think I'm going to change my name to Raven or something else horribly goth
waer big black boots and refuse to listen to anything but NIN and Tool. I've already got the black eye-liner thing down. maybe I'll post pictures later.

current mood: dark and mysterious in that

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Thursday, March 21st, 2002
10:56 pm - tonight, tonight.
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

yes, that's all I have to say.










this does nothing for my lack of understanding.

current mood: still lost, but loved and warm

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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
11:04 pm - in a dream we are connected.
so, dear me,
you need to:
write Karen a big fat assed letter about your life tomorrow
and then mail it
also, find a good picture of you to send to her.
because that would be nice.
and maybe some pictures of your friends.
and tell her that she should get her ass sent up here
because you still miss her more than you're willing to admit to yourself.
and you're letting that whole part of you die off. and we don't like it when you let parts of you die off, because it makes you feel empty and then you drive yourself crazy with wondering why.
and you know damned well you're going to regret it when you're 36 years old and can't find her address.

I have a blister on my finger from the glue gun attacking me during visual art.
it hurt, but not as much as it could have.
Mmm, pus.


also - I was in a bad mood earlier. mostly because I was disapointed in him for disapointing me for having expectations and being disapointed. Ha, that made no sense. Quit it before you hurt yourself, and steer clear of things that will boil your flesh for a few days.

something smells like raw hamburger.
it's making me nauseous.

current mood: wired with heavy eyelids

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Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
3:30 pm - sick erin
haha.
you guys have 35 more minutes of school
and I?
I woke up an hour ago.

I wonder if it's legal to just go to after-school activities..
probably not.
I was reallly excited about reading lit. mag entries though.
damn.
I don't know what to do about the show tonight either..
maybe I'll just go watch?
ehhhh.. I'll decide later.

current mood: capri sun happy

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Monday, March 18th, 2002
11:21 pm - useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest
I feel like writing. So, I'm going to sit hereand type until I find something better to do. Like math. I have a negative grade in that class. Well, at least a zero. And I ain't planning on taking no test tomorrow neither. Neh-ha. Watch me totally not spell check this. mu-wa-ha. So, yeah. 10 days til el Mexico. I kinda wish I was staying still. But, hell another country to conquer and I suppose I can round people up for a road trip anytime now. Which, 3rd week of April I'm gonna steal my boys and take em to Tacoma. I still have to call Sally about that. and we get to drive up like big kids and have fun. Wow. Things are gonna be diffrent now, huh? I mean, in a lot of directions but. This whole silence for a week thing is really limiting my livejournal creativity. Sara and I were playing with our ghetto digital camera that won;t work on any of our 3, count em, 3 computers. We took funny pictures, but I'm going to have to steal Carl's comp to get them off the memory card. I think this weekend Jonny and I are going to go to the art muesum, which will be wonderous. Karen's birthday is on the 23rd. I'm made at myself for losing contact, so I think I'm going to write her a long-assed letter and shove it in a card tomorrow. Maybe I'll write it during MIA cause I'll have nothing better to work on. My throat is still sore, but I think I'll come to school anyway. I have to remember to get money out of my Mom for dinner tomorrow. I'll be at school for 12 hours. 9 am to 9 pm. What in the hell is up with that? I suppose everyone else on Lit Mag staff is the same way, but it still bites. You know, I've always loved, or at least liked school. I think it was to get away from my family for awhile. Which is probably why I absolutely hated being in some of the same classes as my sister when I was little. I doubt anyone will read this, or comment. Sometimes, it just feels good to babble about things to do, and things that don't matter, although I'll probably wander onto subjects that do. I'm glad I'm smart enough not to ask. I'm smart enough to work it to get what I want to know out of him without being crushed. But, the desire still rests. Hasn't it always? Yes. Rain check this. Has anyone evernoticed that the virgin Mary is stepping on a snake? She has her foot sticking out from under her smashing the snake just below it's head. It makes sense though, the whole eve + apple thing. Smash the sin I suppose. Sometimes I wish I were religious. Even that cheesy religion I made up in the 5th garde just to have something to get through the nights. I used to be paranoid all the time. Afraid, mostly. Of things attacking me. Dark things, I guess. You know those shapes in the darkness you can barely make out, and they end up being a sock on your floor when you turn on the light? Yeah, that would happen to me constantly, except when I turned on the light, there was nothing there. So, yeah. I suppose me being psychiotic started at a younger than most age. There were a lot more examples of paranoia like that. Big imagination I suppose. I used to think I was afraid of death, but I think it was more of a silence/solitude thing I was afraid of. anyways, back to making up my religion. It was kind of silly, looking back. I spoke to god, as in a one on one basis. and I figured, since he was omni-present he could here me just as well outloud as in my head, so I spoke to him in my head. and I did the whole catholic hand over chest thing, but I said diffrent phrases. Something along the line of Mind, body, heart and soul; god protect me young to old. Heh. I know it rhymed. Hell, people start religions all the time. The only diffrence was that I didn't have a following. Hail the prophet Erin, right? ah, no. We used to stay at lighthouses all the time too. We haven't since we moved to Vancouver, but it was rad. I was always afraid of ghosts. My dad told me once that ghosts are lazy, because if you tell them/ask them to do a chore, it never gets done. So, in the middle of the night I would yell, "DO THE DISHES! DUST! SWEEP! VACCCUM! WASH THE WINDOWS!" until my parents came in. haha, funny. I was an odd child, and now I'm an odd teenager. and suddenly it all makes sense.. hmm, no. not really. hee. yeah, I really want to get rid of my bed + back problems. which I think are directly related. Anyone that has sat on my bed probably understands. yeah, that whole, what? inch of foam and plywood just isn't working out for me. Plus it's so damned 70's and ugly. I don't think any 7th grader had good taste, and I shouldn't be held accountable for my lack of. I just want a normal, boring bed. So, I can make the rest of my room, well, livable. sitable, is a better word. workable. Bleh. Bring on the fresh prince, Parents just don't understand. SAAAA-SEALA, you're breaking my heart. oh, yes. Simon and Garfunkel. See? I've got some cool breeded into me, music-wise I mean. It's mostly blues and jazz background. which I appreciate, but know nothing about. I long for talent. but, talent comes with practice. and practice means drive, and effort. which I have neither. So, instead I'll wish that my fingers knew what to do and I'll go on writing, and trying to draw and such. I wonder how long I've been writing. Not as in time, as in how long this will look on my journal. Maybe I'll stick it under private so it doesn't burden the friend's lists of the people who have me on their friends list.. But I suppose if I'm on your friends list you're somewhat interested in hearing what I have to say, so whatever, eat this. I wish I had some balls/theatre talent when it came to performing my poetry. I just.. read. ha. well, whateva. I'll think about it harder next time. I like Carl's idea about people acting out the piece behind the writer. Actually, I really like it. I think I'll store it away in my head for the next time a lit arts assembly comes up. Ha, I've been in every one since I started going to the Arts school. Come to think, I'll need to pull my public speaking skills out for the Tolerance assembly. I'm doing the intro. Hurrah, Erin. I still need to actually sit down and write it. Rehearsals/ 2nd Auditions are going to be during lunch/advo on the 26th of March. I need to meet with Barnes again to figure out a date, and I have to show up at a fact. meeting to explain to them why it's important. Hoooo boy. oh, and I totally destroyed my good movie streak by watching Charlie's Angels on Thursday. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it's the fact that I wasn't that's more of an issue. Ewwww. TV shows made into movies are never, never, never good. If anyone can prove me wrong, I'll uh.. bring them a Capri Sun. I mean, really prove me wrong. Not, "uh, the Brady Bunch Movie was alright. " And Muyppet movies don't count. Hmm, I'm betting.. zero comments. haha. Funny how some people are all like.. "waaaaah, I get like no comments anymore, does that mean, I'm like, boring or something?" whatever. I'm as exciting as watching yer grandmuh stick her spit dripping finger into a electical socket. Hooo, yeah. That's right. I think the time has come, my friends and foes, to end this babble-worthy post. Hmm, yes. ok, goodnight to me. (click)

current mood: out of breathe but

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8:02 pm - today's adventure
so, got up at 7
decided that I couldn't breathe well enough to get onstage
and went back to sleep
got back up at 11
and decided I could function well enough to prevent a carl beating
and I was well enough to drive to school
so I took a shower, got ready,
and got to school in time for the last 10 minutes of Bio
dumdedum - read my poem on stage
only got nervous in the middle of it when I realized what the hell I was doing
which is an improvement over the last, 3? 4? times
but, I got nice clappings and it was good
and I'm proud of my Carl-o, cause he did a marvelous job
and Adi rocked the house

so if y'all are interested in hearing more poetry/ guitar stuff
show up tomorrow night @ 7 pm


Plus, I have faith that Core will work out
and this makes me a happy bunny, much like Emma's purse.

current mood: snotty, but better

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Sunday, March 17th, 2002
12:00 pm - St. Paddy's Day is sucking, but this might make it better
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<b> Happy Birthday Sweet Billy. </b>

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ehhh.. I feel like hell. My head is on the verge of exploding, breathing is shallow and achy. I have enough mucus floating around in me to fill up a moderate sized kid's swimming pool. and if I watch one more minute of tv today I'm going to dig my eyes out with rusty forks.

and suckers, I'm not wearing any green. eat that.


current mood: bleh - kinda homocidal

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